A life's list

(revised)

Endings and beginnings.

Empty nest.

Purpose.

A life list revised.

These are the things my mind has been circling around lately. Anxiously, I might add. It feels like I’m walking around in the world with a lump in my throat. The grief I feel is just so real and genuine, but in equal parts with the joy and celebration I want to have for my child who is graduating into the world.

And then there is the fear of change.

When I was a teenager, I couldn’t imagine my life after the age of 18. I wanted to be a mom, but I didn’t have a major picked out for college. I wasn’t sure of a career or a future. I thought success looked like the life of Clair Huxtable - she was my benchmark goal.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, I had an ugly cry the day before he was born. I remember saying it felt like I was standing on the precipice of something magnificent and terrifying. Too terrifying for my mind and body to conceptualize. It was as if I were being drug off a cliff without any way of stopping it. There was fear at play - even then.

I was afraid. And still, I moved forward into a life I wanted but hadn’t yet imagined.

On the precipice of motherhood, I was terrified, not confident like I thought I should be. I didn’t go in all balls, even though it’s the one thing I always hoped for, because suddenly I had to imagine myself as a mom. And I felt distinctly unqualified. The stakes were so high. I did not want to fail at the most important thing I’d never tried before. I had zero cool.

And yet, I learned - am still learning - to juggle and balance and fail forward and let go of perfection and struggle through and pivot and thrive. And most of all, to be present and proceed despite uncertainty.

I’ve been feeling that same sense of fear lately. Staring at the abyss of an unknown future without kids in my house. With an empty nest looming, I’m crossing off “fear of change” from my life’s list. And I want to be purposeful about the revisions I make going forward. (Bucket) Life List v. 2.0.

My love has been holding a mirror up for me. Is he asking me to be more of myself or someone I’m not? Am I clinging to old ideas or getting comfortable with reality?

I know the truth, and it scares me. But, more than ever, I trust myself to proceed.

Wherever I turn, the universe is asking me to look and not turn away from what is real and true about who I am today.

I am surrounded by the right people who encourage me to face my fears. Huxtable status achieved. My favorite humans are successfully launching. And now I’m circling back around to see how all of that was preparing me for what lies ahead.

I am confident, qualified and ready for my next steps.

If you are standing on the precipice of something big right now, what are you afraid of? What are you avoiding and why can’t you face it? What feels overwhelming about the future?

If you want to talk about it, I’m here. Or keep reading for a suggestion to help you revise what’s on your own life list.