I'm looking for...
something specific.
Start with a beginner’s mind.
Maybe you want to shed old patterns at this time in your life, or need a change of scenery, or want to end something completely. But how? If it were easy, wouldn’t you have done it by now? Recently, I was reminded of a beginner’s mind - looking at something as if you’ve never seen it before.
For the last few years, I’ve been trying something new. Dating. More specifically, online dating. It’s just as [fill in the blank] as you think. It is equal parts delightful and horrific - a mixed bag.
I don’t have much experience with dating in general. I had a high school boyfriend and a college boyfriend; then I was married and divorced. If you want to practice courage, try dating in your 40s😆
With any new thing, challenges present themselves. It helps to look at them with fresh eyes. Here’s what I’m considering:
I’m not the same person I once was, so I need to check in about what “rules” I’ll use to navigate new territory.
Each human is different, and meeting new people offers learning opportunities.
I don’t have many friends at the same place and time as me, which helps me practice trusting my gut about decision-making.
I’m trying to figure out what my middle-aged adult self thinks about sexuality, attachment styles, texting, small talk, time frames, relationships, “situationships,” and friendships - each experience helps me understand my middle-aged adult self more fully.
I can change my mind about how to proceed at any time. Full stop.
It has been a lot of trial and error. But I’m not sure how else to reach a measure of success without failing forward. And the more I try, the more specific I get about what I’m looking for. It’s like when I was a teacher…we used the protocol: what did you think first, what did you learn, and what do you think now?
A beginner’s mind allows for growth and change. But I wasn’t able to conceptualize it at first because…
1. I was afraid to change.
What once worked may not work anymore. I often receive either or both of these pieces of advice: Have an open mind. Set boundaries. They are the hardest words to live by because they feel paradoxical.
And that is exactly what it feels like to try something new with a beginner’s mind. The goal line shifts with knowledge, insight, and reflection.
2. I felt ungrateful.
You can be thankful for what you have and also want something different. You can have enough and also want more. I learned to see life as full of possibilities that are neither right nor wrong - just different.
3. Transformation is hard.
Watching someone struggle, especially when suffering, can feel almost unbearable. And by suffering, I don’t mean someone sitting in pain as it passes. By suffering, I mean watching as someone holds pain and either cannot or will not let it go.
I learned to manage the struggles or suffering of others as a coping skill. As a kid, I helped diffuse tense situations in ways that made me feel safe in my environment. Today, my nervous system feels calm when there is little discord - sometimes to my own detriment.
As a kid, I didn’t know that it was ok for me to have complicated emotions, let alone that other people’s complicated emotions had zero to do with me. As a kid, I didn’t know that other people’s emotions, struggles, and suffering were not meant to be managed. Pain, struggle, and even suffering, to an extent, are necessary for growth and change. They are human experiences that shape who we are and who we are becoming.
I learned to be pleasing to other people. I have worked hard to be aware of it, unlearn how I react, and make different choices when I perceive someone is struggling and/ or suffering. Now I can be empathetic without the need to fix it. Watching someone else’s transformation is hard.
4. I needed affirmation.
Sometimes the way you change is difficult for other people to understand. It’s ok to trust your gut even when it causes friction. How you change might not make sense to anyone but yourself. And that is ok. Perfectly ok.
Only now have I learned that it’s preferable to be surrounded by other people’s discomfort than to hold mine for longer than necessary.
It wasn’t fixing that created calm for me. It was learning not to take other people’s opinions personally.
Are you looking to make a change in a specific way? Here’s what you can do….
5. Take the next step.
Life can leave you feeling tender - yet here you are. By creating space for reflection and self-expression, you can learn to sit through the in-between times with a sense of calm and purpose.
This is your invitation to move from a stuck place towards freedom. I’m here to sit with, walk with, and guide you as you navigate the messy middle of life.
Respond to this email and let me know what change you are navigating right now.
I see you. I'm with you. I’m for you.
xo
Meg