Who are you

when nobody is watching?

“You being our teacher was a Meghan Moment.”

That was the inscription I read this morning in The Poisonwood Bible, which my students gifted me on my last day in the classroom. Isn’t it the most ridiculous joy when you realize someone sees to the heart of you, and you had no idea they were even watching?

I’ve heard people say that is having integrity - doing the “right thing” when nobody is watching. But who gets to decide what the “right thing” is? I’ve watched people use the word integrity to shame others into a normalized version of the “right thing.” Which doesn’t seem right at all.

I like this definition of integrity better: the state of being whole and undivided.

Who am I when I am my most authentic self with integrity, whole and undivided? What does it mean to have a Meghan moment? It certainly does not mean following all the rules and perfecting the art of morality - for me. I find that I am most authentic when living somewhere in the messy middle of right/ wrong, good/ bad, black/ white.

When I am whole and undivided, I use my words and let them land. I am thoughtful and deliberate about how I use them. I paint pictures with words. I choose who I communicate with. I aim to say things that matter with integrity and authenticity.

Also, my most authentic self second-guesses what I’m communicating, asks for permission to speak and spends hours worrying about connotation and context. In an endless search for the “right” words - I revise. I rewrite. I edit.

I want to create safe spaces for people to practice vulnerability and authenticity without judgment, not just in the classroom but in life. I want to help people communicate in ways that matter. It means sometimes I allow them to be more human than others feel comfortable with. When the fluidity of my boundaries bumps up against your integrity, that’s a Meghan Moment.

So let me say this about what my integrity looks like: I am ambiguous, fearful of the unknown, often attempting perfection, being the difficult one in my family, not understanding social cues, feeling like I don’t measure up, having low expectations, not asking for what I want and need, offering minimum standards. AND ALSO…I’m really fucking brave. I try a lot of new things, I work hard, I am overwhelmed with love for humans, I have an amazing ability to see to the heart of people, I mother, am self-sufficient, capable and independent.

I’m not trying to censor you or anyone else, even when what you have to say rubs me the wrong way. I want you to be whole and undivided, too. I told my students that free speech comes with a cost, and it is our job as humans to determine the cost/ benefit of “speaking our truth.” Words are weapons or salve. They crush people or lift them. They attract or repel.

My students felt free to talk to me about all the things: suicide, disordered eating, drugs, neurodiversity, gaming, their pets, skateboarding, winter sports, politics, and what they thought about the clothes I was wearing. We drank tea. We had not-so-polite political conversations. We had multiple perspectives.

Having the autonomy and authority to practice being human with others is how we become whole and undivided. Therefore, being authentic with integrity means settling into the grey area of life - which may seem counterintuitive, but it’s true.

Maybe you don’t even know who you are anymore. It's really hard to live in the messy middle of life as our whole and undivided selves.

One of the things I do as a teacher, coach, and mentor is to help people discover their authenticity. I help them see who they are when they don’t know someone is watching.

Take the next step with me.

1. To find wholeness, you have to be honest with yourself about authenticity and integrity.

2. Next, ask for feedback from someone you trust in order to find balance in your inner and outer world.

3. Then, you must be willing to take the next steps toward growth, balance or change.

Being in the classroom was, in fact, a Meghan Moment - we learned together, traveled together, laughed and cried together. The beauty of that time was that we were authentically ourselves without fear of judgment.

So, who are you when nobody is watching? Who are you, whole and undivided, when you are having your Moment? Respond to this email and let me know.